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Journal entries
July 11 2014 October 13 2014 READ 5/15/15 ENTRY FOR BETTER INFO October 20 2014 October 23 2014 November 2 2014 November 3 2014 November 6 2014 'November 21 2014' November 27 2014 December 7 2014 Life is very simple really. Average bills such as the electric, water, gas, etc. bill are usually around $115 a month. All you need is a good job and a little house and you're good. You can achieve a good job through a good education (obviously better jobs pay better money). It's good to get a job at 16, before you move out, so you are used to it. If your town has a career center, it is highly recommended to take it--take all the assets and programs that are available to you while you are in high school. If you the CC, you don't really have to take college. You learned a trade. But it is recommended of course to take college, it looks good and you learn even more. When you get your own home or apartment after you move out, you can lower your bills with many methods. Use lanterns instead of electric lights, ride your bike to friends' and stuff (only use car if going to store or something), and many others. Overall, life is very simple to make a living out of if you choose to make it so. Some other things you don't need necessarily but are good to have is a companion in life, and friends, etc. May 15 2015 RECESSION: SUMMARIZED I actually felt like she was the 'one', for some/any reason. I felt like it was a new beginning. It was just..her, it was not about physical appearance. I didn't even know her, at all (which I wouldn't know her name for months later actually), which actually made it seem even better. I had never felt these feelings before, for anyone. It wasn't love, because I didn't know her at all. But it was a sort of subconscious type of love, or, feeling. I felt like my life was going to come to a new beginning, something I had felt all that year earlier subconsciously (but they never gathered until this). I felt like I had found my possible other half, or soulmate. The same thing applied, later on, to another one (though it was quickly ended, but still hurt). This came to a crashing end, which is the reason it affected me so much. I went to the Fair one day for the specific reason of seeing if she had a boyfriend or anything, and surely enough within minutes I saw her; she looked like she was smoking, in gang clothes, and was with one of those fancy Senior boys (and others). I only saw it for a second as they walked past. This crushed me. I did not know her at all, and she didn't know me (and still doesn't actually), but there would be large consequences. I knew not to get too indulged in my feelings, didn't listen though. Like love, it overcomes everything else (including logic). Later on, I would discover she is most likely a slut, based on heavy evidence. This would hurt my dignity, knowing I put all that thought into her, even though I no longer cared at the time (and still don't). All those feelings, I had never felt before--and when all that happened, it crushed me but left me with the feelings (first time and now permanent in my mind for rest of life). It hurt. Now, this was the beginning phase. For the first 3 months, it hurt like hell; consequences of it--and it wasn't just because of the longing for a mate. Not only did those events, which only lasted a week near the beginning of the school year, leave me with those feelings, it also introduced pathways to more, even worse ones. My uncle Kieth was home the majority of that month and at the time this began and spiraled. This made it even worse, because never do we get another person, more excitement, in the house except when he stays once a year. This made my feelings boil even worse. Two days after the crashing, my direct family (father, grandma, and Kieth) went to Columbus to a large, delicate shopping mall and restraurant. This was NOT placed correctly. I always had a fear of going to that city and doing things like that, because I felt like it would be something I'd do with a partner. I felt that subconsciously all my life sort of. Two days after the crashing was way too soon, and going to that resturaunt and mall utterly destroyed me to an even lower level. This was hell, and it hurt (mentally) very much, especially to my dignity and confidence (which I have little of now opposed to then). It seems like..it was destined to happen in order. Matter of fact, at the time, I sort of believed in pre-destined life (some sort of spiritual thing), but was skeptical. For the next 6 months afterwards, those feelings would erode completely was I discovered what life, reality, truly was. Coincidence, hard, and shitty (for most). This was my turn, everyone has one. Mine just happened to start here, age 15, because of that 'one' in the beginning. In an attempt to escape these feelings, on the fourth day afterwards, I joined Karate. I was thinking of joining a week prior, but now it was settled--and the big surprise is, it made it even worse. Much worse. I felt as if the 'one' was going to come through that door at any time to join herself, or something. Over time, that faded. During the course of this entire month (September), I felt like it was going to pop out of no where or appear, because I felt like this month was changing my life. That never happened of course, surely enough. Building a large tent hut in my room for a week later on didn't help much either. All my attempts failed. Early the next month, the hard feelings were going away at least. I had gotten used to them, but it wasn't so bad. I was starting to be happy. My needless search for a soulmate was coming to an end. It was like an actual new beginning (though not as happy). But, of course, it didn't last long. Three days later, a classmate from school was killed in a car crash late, which sparked large mourning throughout the whole town. I was not close friends or really even friends, but that is not needed to feel bad. Immediately after this happened, I began thinking about things other than a partner or soulmate individual. It began being more about..life, and my purpose, in general. His death got me thinking of horrible thoughts. It sparked an entire other side of me that had never came out before, and it scared me. It was during the following week, I discovered, I had no real purpose or drive to live. What is my life really for? What am I supposed to do with my future, I have no interests in really anything, and I had never hard to work very hard in my life, and was afraid I would not do good, and eventually lead to me starving to death. I felt naive, as if I would screw myself over. I felt like other kids knew trades and such because of their big brothers and such. I felt like a small kid who had useless feelings for a mate, and could die fairly easy (though I didn't care at the time if I did). I felt like it didn't really matter anymore. I felt like my dignity had been tainted by what happened a month earlier. I felt my future was at stake. I felt like I would be alone all my life, making it even harder, because I only accept a true-love relationship with my soulmate (which most people don't find or ever get, another part of reality I had to swallow)--and I only wanted to live life with my other half. This was an extreme hard time for me and my mental state. I had many suicide urges, depression, and was going mentally insane over my own self, over the jist of reality. I had(ve) nothing to live for. By the last day of that month (October), I had become sick of it, and decided for force-end it and focus on other things. But I knew they'd come back..one day--and they would, about 6 months later. The following two months were part of this terrible time period, but were not as major. The rest of the year was spent with both of those months, each with a unique mental identity (partner + death) permanently in my mind for the rest of my life--two feelings I never thought I'd feel (or at least, in a bad way). However, it was in this time, when a second 'the one' appeared (though I was more aware of the feelings and not so immature, so I never really believed it). She was somewhat cute, and the appearance matched what I always imagined my soulmate (for some reason). She shared many of the same traits as the first one, including she appeared to be of them actually are of course quiet and such. I did research to see if she was in the same grade and such (which I was skeptical about). A month later, it was discovered she was a Senior, Honors student, and possible socialite--just as expected. My serious feelings about her immediately died, but they would come back in a different form several months later. Just like the first one, we do not know or have ever associated with each other, which makes it even worse. Though I don't think she is a slut, who really knows anymore (because I sure as hell don't, nor do I even care anymore). It wasn't until mid-April that these feelings would return, once again, and hard. They'd last until roughly when school got out in late-May, because I don't want to bring them into my vacation. Now, I have learned more about myself and became more aware of my feelings, and the bullshit that is reality. Reading articles every day saying that life for future graduates will suck and be hard gives me a boatload more confidence. I can't wait to start my new, fulfilled life. Bring it on. August 5 2015 I feel like it is crashing down again...it will never end...there is no way. It seems people just keep getting stupidier every day..and it will never end the rest of my life. I am unaware if I will be able to get through this on my own, all my friends are poor and already experienced with this, meanwhile I am like a small child sitting in my room playing Minecraft or some shit all the time..it will never end...life seems meaningless to me anymore.. September 12-13 2015 (9/12/14 - 9/12/15) *Sep 12 - Oct 5 = Part I (Kieth, Skyrim, Allman, Fair, Columbus, Cheesecake, Karate, Tent, Blanc) *Oct 5 - 31 = Part II (Raymond, Death, TES) *Nov 1 - Dec 27 = Part III (Movies, Hoellrich, Tri-County, Zach) It has been a year. Time moves on. All things must pass. What lies ahead, who knows. I still have yet to make this month unique (as Sept lays the foundations for the rest of the year). 9/13/15 - This has been the main thing on my mind for nearly 6 months now (or more). Feeling that I really do nothing but lay around on my computer and edit wiki/RP/other things. Meanwhile, other kids my age have to work full-time jobs (including Zach) and are learning/know adult skills. I feel within about a year, I am going to start being expected to know these things or be naive/confused. I just don't know what to do, I need guidance. September 26 2015 -Feel strange, don't know why is having a sudden shift (it feels like it at least, cause of the pressure of getting older) -Other kids my age (16) at school and stuff (like Zach/Kyler) have to work 24/7 and have crap lives -Meanwhile, I am sitting in my room (tho that is a good thing, I still feel stupid) October 21 2015 Gatsby-Amish-School This year is a consecutive failure. No special events whatsoever the past 2 months. *Work overload (school hw, piano, etc.). Do not respond well to change of lifestyle. *Schedule problems (math-caused) **Forced to give up Per. 5 lunch (where I knew everyone + Jordan) to go to Per. 6 lunch (know only 2 people, sit at shitty crowded table) **Int. Alg math class full of dumb rednecks/teacher is weird **^rest of entire year *Nothing unique at all (Aug/Sep/Oct all fail months, 3 in a row) *Knowingly only gets worse from here on (11th grade+) *More personal problems of course October 28 2015 everything going wrong. more coincidences than ever experienced. already predicted this last year but this is much worse than imagined, and this is hardly the beginning. Halloween Bash cancelled. Zachs life in horrible situation. 2 years wasted. my life in chaotic insanity. nothng going right, last 2 months wasted. finally let anger out by throwing axe, tipped over soup and almost destroyed laptop (made huge mess). despondent = loss of hope/courage/will November 17-18 2015 I now am concluding I have a mental defficiency. A strange curiosity and 'obsession' with another person that I have not met. Getting very sick of this issue, but it won't end. I have wasted an entire year now on this shit. I have told myself every other day that 'it's over". Now I am suddenly having hyperrealistic unique dreams, and extremely strange coincidences are more common than ever. This all happens during the worst school year than ever. Already wasted 2 fall months on absolutely nothing, a waste of meaningless crap that should've ended a year ago. The only thing I can do is ignore it (doesn't last long). There is literally no other option. But then again, I have little else to think about. I am in a bind, a mental struggle. I have been for over a year. It will not end at this point. I am open-minded, but these coincidences are beyond strange. But why would something target me? Over this issue? That's fucking stupid and makes no sense at all, but that's life. I am not mentally prepared for high school let alone the world, seeing as I have 'urges' to do things (kill/rape) in classes with not-so-bad-looking females, as well as my social issues. Why it is happening now is beyond me; but I refuse to accept this crap. It does nothing but make me feel stupid. Also, I am now going to assume every girl in that school is a hoe or WW until I am proven wrong (unlike before where I pick and chose). Can't believe this all started with a little tiny hoe at the fair way over a year ago. I have yet to discover myself it seems. *Feel pressures of upcoming graduation (tho everyone does); and adulthood supposedly sucks *Feel like I am missing out on things (the typical school lifestyle) - never get to see both close (and only) friends (who are only that relate), am despondent, feel like my time is wasting away day by day. Little motivation. Uncomfortable at school sort of. *-feel empty/unfulfilled (like wasting HS years, already a junior) *-know school coming to end *-not friends with hardly anyone at school (after HS life gets shitty), family only knows shitty smoker people + kids Best years = 2010-14 (especially Zach) December 10 2015 I dont have the Xmas spirit this year, I have no reason to. This is a crap year mostly, both calendar and schoolwise (and now that I am 16, it will just get worse). Zach and Kyler are already working, and so will be rest of their lives. Days with them are virtually over now (was cut short for 2 years tho). I have no spirit for 2016. The zenith of my teenage years (2014-15) has already passed. Little motivation. *Nothing at all to do, wasting valuable time away (sitting on PC/wikia staying up to 3am every night) *Family getting older/disabled, can't do things anymore (do them during school) *me/zach no longer a thing (work, phone disabled 24/7) *wasting high school years (think of all other kids with friends who do stuff all the time and enjoy them) --> don't have that pleasure December 19 2015 *Basically have no friends (i have 2, never get to see either of them) *Too socially inept/unable to make other friends (too different from others my age, of course) *losing childhood years, can't make them up --> adult (pay bills and die) Peeves.. *generic middle-aged fat conservative christian people *generic teenagers + ignorance *shoppng malls in columbus around christmas Attraction = tall, thin, pale, small-breasted, plump females (mayb eyeliner, short light hair glasses) December 26 2015 2016 *Apr = Driver's Ed (permit > license), ACT *Jul-Aug = First job 2017 *Jun = Graduate, turn 18 *Aug = 2 year College January 4 2016 If I achieved success, it would have no meaning. My life itself has none. As in, I already have all the opportunities. There's nothing to earn. For Zach, who is poor, if he achieved success, it would have meaning. He had something to live for. If I did, no. Generally people who start poor and become successful are respected. People who already have everything, have no story to tell. No meaning in what they got. I have no significant/interesting youth influences, so even less to tell. January 10 2016 "At least I have worked and paid enough taxes in my life to eat steak. :)" And you wonder why I don't fucking like middle aged people. My facebook is packed full of them, and other stupid people. Gets repetitve how pretentious they are. Their gen (baby booms) will be gone in 40 years, then we will see what mine does. There's a crossroads right now; old people grew up different than middle aged people (counterculture), middle aged people didnt grow up with technology, young people did. 3 different age groups. The new modern world = progressive, free, spreading democracy (which is failing apparently). A lot should change in my lifetime. January 23 2016 Jul 2015+ *Life taken downward spiral **Laptop busted (1/23) again **No more best friend (basically) **Everything going wrong (+ school, Gr. 11) ***Family problems ***Grandpa heart attack ***Nothing going right **Pressure (job, college, etc.) **Personal mental problems ***Uncomfortable at school (increasingly) ***wasting time (high school years) March 23 2016 Months have no creativity anymore. There's just nothing special feeling, despite any achivements or significance. I am unguided, I feel lost. I want to make music and stuff (which I suck at), but I need collaboration, with real people, that share my tastes (which is rare)--and I don't really want to wait until college. I don't know what college or more importantly, what major (but I guess that'll figure itself out). I don't feel I am good enough at Karate. Of course I can memorize katas and terminology, no shit, anyone can. But actual defense kickass I pay for? I suck, and that's a problem. My Spanish skills are below average. I am dropped below average and can't handle post-10th grade (idek about college). Most my 12th grade classes are shit below-average classes with redneck kids, nothing normal anymore (not after 10th). Grandma overreacting and being bitchy over my hair (which is barely long at all), my dad not accepting me for it (hypocrite) and I feel bad going around him now. My guitar teacher is a classical technical theorist dude and not a rocker (I want to learn practical rock skills, but no teachers). I am smart and intellectual but just dumb. Something is just pissing me off. April 14 2016 The mediocre too-easy belt test and ACT is over. English is the only test I completed, math I only had time to work on 4 questions and time was already half over, so I had to guess the rest. Science was completely guesses. Reading I was good with but didn't finish last 5 questions cause time. Writing eh. I suck at timed tests and the purpose of this test is to show college readiness. I most likely got a score under 15 (average 20-25). I don't even feel like taking it again but I will in June (and get the same result - the time limits are horrible so it will be the same). I am glad I took it though, it showed me how 'ready' I am for the real world and academia (college). I broke even, finally. I wanted to go to college but, all this prep and shit, I don't know anymore (tech school may be last choice, but it is super mathy). I am now giving myself a leisure week before I start studying for permit etc. Kyler and Braden are only friends I have now basically and it is hard to joke with Kyler, he has a super skeptical and smartass attitude about him. He apparently no longer believes anything I say, like an idiot, all because of the long-running fat conspiracy-theorist Robert joke. Braden and I both know it is a joke but he goes along with it. Zach is no longer a factor (until he replies to my serious text or sends me a FB message, no more talk). He is too busy training himself to be an animal. I decided I want to go for the Jesus look. Long hair, small beard. I will start smoking pot, get into conspiracy theories, embrace nature and music. I am somewhat convinced I am either Jesus or the Antichrist, and I just don't know yet. I also think the government may be after me or fear me--too many coincidences, in this year only. Something is certainly going on, the government may be behind it. I am serious, I don't know. April 26 2016 WW stands for wasted whores (came up with in 8th grade). It is harsh, but true. It means attractive girls (also applies to men) that are wasted, as in, stupid, unintelligent, or with an idiot. They could be smart and be with actual smart people and not stupid, deevolved people like a lot of them are. Their good looks and reproductive health is wasted on them, while people like me are sitting here. I don't get partners or whatever because they are all generic or stupid (at least where I am), incompatible (the chance is extremely slim to find someone compatible, especially where I am currently). Humans are in the awkward phase between brute ape and intelligent superbeing, nothing is certain. I am sick of trying to compare myself to others (as in like famous musicians) and their upkeep. Obviously mine is different, but it feels boring. Other peoples' are usually eccentric and unique, mine is generic and boring. Everything happens in time. I am in a phase right now, getting out of the problems that occurred in past 8 months. I am trying to better myself slowly one slow step at a time. I am doing community service this summer instead of getting a job (it was for experience anyway), then I will go on vacation. I have no plans for 12th grade other than getting permit (easy). I am realizing how hard everything is and slowly trying to transition into it. I need a few weeks off for myself to give myself room to think and grow on everything instead of meaninglessly throwing shit at myself. May 7 2016 May 21 2016 June 1 2016 Ideal plan = College, Peace Corps. China Shaolin training, move to Vermont Laptop = slow internet, settings/personalization problems slow, volume problems RP = Seika/Velvet post-TS (1503), Cold War dev, Gaven/Seika main chars, Larane (Gaven wife) 11th grade = complete failure (many reasons) June 7 2016 July 2016 August 9 2016 August 15 2016 September 9 2016 September 25 2016 October 3 2016 October 13 2016 ---- THOUGHTS October 23 2016 Recession - Finalized (Sep 12 2014 - Oct 31 2016) It has become realized and condensed finally, after all this time. I just wanted to be like Zach and all the other kids my age (and people). I wanted to have something else to my life, something different. Something exciting. There's nothing else to me, I am a boring person. There is a void left unfilled and I have to live everyday knowing it may likely never be. Along with this, I am left unconfident and unhopeful in not only mine but everyone's future (lifetime); life is short, and it's good to not be alone. It is a horrible feeling. But it is who I am. The amount of mental torment, anguish, suffering, and coincidences I've had to endure the past 2 years, and I just now (Oct 2016) realize everything (when it could've spared me all that). I traced it back to its origins (where it was only in my subconscious. yet to blossom) - around spring 2014. My entire mental state has been shifted to this; I feel childish, but I am merely loyal. It persists in my head and will continue to for a long time, because there's nothing else to think about. It is a big thing to me. It is/was incredibly insulting and humilating and was never supposed to happen. The damage is now done (soiled) and there's nothing I can do but put it behind me as best I can. I can only mediate things if I write about them such as now. Now, it is up to place, timing, and myself to determine the next step. This is who I am. It's over. Purge (Oct 22-31 2016) *I take relationships very seriously/sentimentally - afraid to get involved/go after (being wrong resulting in hellfire, suicidal thoughts again) *Did everything in past correctly and rightly, nothing wrong with any of it (better than being on drugs or a whore, isn't it?) Proud of all of it. Was just wrong (sadly). *Feelings subconsciously existed for years (childhood), gradually formed within 2014, blossomed beginning of 10th grade **basic traits = quiet, mysterious?, similar humor *Boring person, uninteresting. Nothing else to think about than all this, keep falling back to it. *Just don't have motivation/incentive to do that much or put THAT much effort into anything---for good reason. Year from now, will be wage slave or have shitty job (even post-college) and live cheap. *I hate people with a passion and can't stand to be around most of them, but that is also my entire problem (crave for social interaction/other people/excitement). Making friends = hard (only like super close relationships, so very few). Without friends, no way to do all those things. ??? Days like today (Nov 2) are exactly what causes my fucking problems. coincidences all day, then seeing Allman standing outside (first time this year), then having a nap dream involving one of them (for first time) later, doing nothing all day. Perfect example. November 3 2016 It's not that simple; Finding one that has the basic 'specifics' is wholly unchancely, especially around me. I don't know whether to feel like they are there or not (I am still 1% open-minded), but it doesn't matter. The only ways to 'find' one is by total chance, through a friend/family (Zach and Kyler highly unlikely), by having a bunch of friends (nope), or them being there (clause I) in the open. I am not around any possibles at all (that I know of), and if I was, there is no way I'd know it anyway (unless it was forced). I feel like I have some sort of anxiety, as I am highly unconfident in my everyone's future and feel the need for social activity (but also hate it because I suck at it), and I am alone through it all (while feeling the need for that too). Along with this is the coincidences fucking with me on a daily basis that I can't escape from.Category:June 1 2016 Category:September 12 2015 Category:October 13 2014 Category:July 11 2014